you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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