According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize