I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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