He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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