I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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