Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
