ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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