I'm gonna have a badass scar
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize