her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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