I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
