thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I touched a dick in church today
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
