Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
