He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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