i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Every concussion has its silver lining
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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