I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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