I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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