Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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