Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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