I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
