can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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