I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
