I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
