I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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