Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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