i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
