He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
