Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
