Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
