Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
