your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
