She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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