Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
