Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize