Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
