I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
