just tell him i said nine months
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
