yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize