There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize