I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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