Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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