I have demons in me.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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