I murdered the dance floor call the cops
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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