So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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