Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
