if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
