Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
