Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
