I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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