So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You can't just leave with hair like that
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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