i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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