and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
