Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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