i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
