I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
