the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
