She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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