Already got asked if we're dating
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
