that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
