and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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