I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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