I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
