Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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