I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am puke
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
