Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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