i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
