i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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